Dear Mama June 15th 2022

It’s June 15th 2022 and I wake up with that same feeling in my gut. The one I’ve had for the past three years on this day. A part of me is missing, a piece of me that no matter what I do, I can never get back. Its an emptiness that I’ve tried to replace but realize just a bit more everyday that it’s just impossible.

On June 15th 2018 about midway through the day I had found out my mom had passed away. Out of the fucking blue, she was gone at just 57, heart failure! The single worst phone call I’ve ever received, it was like time had stopped. I didn’t even grab the food i ordered, I just left the drive thru line and parked. Absolute disbelief, this was a dream! I have four other siblings I have to tell, what the FUCK!

I’m not going to get into that day, I’ll save that for another blog or podcast. With the podcast not ready yet I figured I would write a blog. Touch a little on the emotion or grief of this day every year. Its like a therapy session in some way putting this out there.

As a child I was taught to control my emotions, something I perfected a bit to much! But over the past seven years I’ve learned to open the flood gates. Releasing all of that old shit that I kept deep inside. I’ve learned my balance in dealing with my emotions, especially being such an emotional person. So on this day the emotions can be a bit challenging.

It’s like waking up with a piece missing. You feel it as your rubbing your eyes to wake up. Trying to get a grasp on what exactly it is. It doesn’t take but a minute or two before it smacks you in the face. Then the emptiness in your gut, damn this day is going to be tough. I’m going to have to allow all the emotions to surface or deal with the anger that will build up if I don’t. This is a challenge having to go to work and be amongst society. Having a memory or feeling while driving then turning it off to walk in the store. I mean no one wants the 42 year old man walking around the store crying.

It is nice when I am at work, typically my customers (I own a window tint shop) drop off their vehicles. So if the feeling comes up I can get it out without anyone around (currently a one man crew). I always fear when I’m working on a vehicle, the person waiting, will come out into the shop when I’m not able to control it. Talk about awkward, hello yeah everything is fine, don’t mind me window tinting can be emotional at times! There has been times where I’ve really felt it and didn’t realize the tissue I used had balled up on my eyelashes and my beard. Only for the customer to return later and I have tissue all over my face (insert laughing emoji)!

I have noticed that if I can release most of it in the morning it makes for a much lighter day. I can find my center and just smile! Also being able to get these feelings out leading up to this past week (her birthday is June 9th) helps. I’ve learned that dealing with the emotions when they come at least sometime during the day, is huge. That way when the day comes, I’m not a big ball of emotions!.

I’m not a writer as I’ve mentioned before. I honestly put zero effort into editing this blog and will not in the future. I just wanted to get my raw emotions out at 9am on this tough day. This emptiness or hole in my heart isn’t going away. Losing your biggest cheerleader in life is so fucking difficult, especially before your 40! And now I know somewhat what it feels like, she lost hers before she was 20! This day will never get any easier and that’s okay its’ just what it is, a difficult day! Damn I LOVE you most world Mama! I’m so happy your finally at peace but miss you so much!