I’m Still Standing

In my previous blog I mentioned how the four seasons represent transformation and change. Being a lover of the Earth, I like to work with her as she changes, and I believe we all need to. Appreciating all that she provides and the different opportunities she presents.

I began to notice all of this in 2015. I was depressed and uncomfortable with who I was. I was sick of putting on a show, being who everyone needed me to be! It was time for change, drastic change. So 2015 became the year of recognizing everything that no longer served me, no more survival mode! Time to start going within and discovering what really made me happy! (check out the My Spiritual Awakening for more detail)

In 2016 I was introduced to a new belief system, Spirituality. Spirituality brought me hope, which led to motivation. This new motivation introduced me to my feminine energies opening up a door to all my creative expressions. I learned that creativity was a huge part of who I am. It allows me to express myself while gaining self accomplishments through my art.

Moving on to 2017, I really dove into Spirituality, my personal spirituality. This became the year I really woke up. Starting the year with my dad becoming deathly ill (refer to My Spiritual Awakening: Part Three), being arrested and a relationship of 8 years coming to an end. The change was really starting to take place, even in areas I thought didn’t need changing. It became a year of hard lessons while starting to understand the importance of balance in everyday life.

After a rough 2017 I thought, the tough part of this journey was behind me. I continued to focus on my spirituality, creativity and balance. Learning to become a single dad, indoor & outdoor gardener and a painter. My creativity was exploding in to all kinds of different areas, especially painting! Then the bomb dropped and my mom suddenly passed away. Yeah that shit happened and fuck, yeah fuck! (Dear Mama June 15th 2022)

Thankfully at this point creativity had become an available tool. The self expression through creating was so important to my healing. This new grief was like no other I had experienced. I thought that my beliefs would soften the pain. Knowing she was still around and that I could talk to her there was some comfort. But in the long run it got in the way of my grieving. I wasn’t processing that she was truly gone. On the bright side I met an awesome woman who brought a lot of smiles back into my life.

Then 2020 came,over the summer my dad had really started to decline. Due to all of the surgeries there wasn’t much left of his digestive system. He had become extremely malnourished, weighing around 85 pounds. This he wouldn’t survive and he passed at the end of August.

With all the fear and uncertainty of COVID, in hindsight I can see how it positively affected me. I started to really pay attention to my health, mentally and finally physically. Introducing more herbs, herbal teas and paying attention to my vitamin intake. Watching the world handle the pandemic really gave me a new perspective on life. COVID also forced all of us literally inside, making us see who we truly are. But above all, balance was in the forefront. This had become the new journey, balancing being a dad, my relationship, business, health, creativity and grief!

At the beginning of 2021 I started therapy once a week and I’m happy to say I’m still going. Then another challenge, an extremely difficult breakup. With the relationship ending it was time for another transformation. It was time to work on areas of myself that needed growth or change.

One of those areas was my communication, primarily becoming a better listener. And second, fucking vulnerability! This podcast, blog all of it needed some vulnerability and it was the one thing I was terrified of. But with all my creativity shining, finding balance and finally some healing through therapy my confidence was at an all time high. Just what I needed to take that giant leap.

Towards the end of 2021 with all my confidence, my self expression really started to show up. I had created my own style that was a mixture of all my parts. I was finally loving myself which gave me the strength to start this blog, engage more on social media and mostly start my podcast. Living in vulnerability was truly the theme of 2022 and with that came new strengths. Leveling up my confidence and reducing my anxieties I struggled with for years.

With the focus always on balance going forward, I really am looking forward to what looks like the light on the other side of the tunnel. No more living in shame, fear and anxiety! Its time to live in the true expression of who I am. Give hope to those who have gone through the same struggles. Show them the light and all it can bring!